Late Night Contemplations by Mariana

It’s past midnight as I’m writing this.

I rejoiced in the feeling of my flow and my calm just letting my yoni bleed. I was in no rush to go change my pad, or grab a blanket. I sat there. watching a recipe of 100h long brownies, looking at the luscious chocolate melt as my blood stained my underwear.

Today, I was reminded of how important this work is. The way I get to enjoy my bleed, nurture my cycle, move through the waves, all the information I receive from my blood, body and my soul though this connection. This is something I wish every person in a female body would experience. Not necessarily in the way I do with my chocolate videos and indulging, but to have the freedom to enjoy their cycle in whatever way they like. To be in a world where your bleed doesn’t feel like an hassle, a burden of being a womxn, something disgusting or shameful. Where your moon is just seen as something normal and more importantly, where you feel normal about it, where you feel like celebrating it in whatever way you feel like it. A world where you feel.

Whenever I meet a young girl that feels so ashamed of her period, my 13yo whispering if her mate had a pad and quickly hiding it so no one would see it, comes to me. It breaks my heart. And I see that even though this 13yo had a mom that acted normal about it, that talked openly about it, she still whispered and felt ashamed. This normalcy she had at home was a privilege. She’d go to school and some of the other girls hadn’t been blessed with so much communication. The boys, if they didn’t have a sister moving to that stage, were totally unaware and would laugh as it was something new and unknown to them. So she would move the pad from her backpack to her back pocket as fast as she could so no one would see it.

Though periods were normal at home, they didn’t seem to be normal anywhere else. They weren’t something people spoke about, unless, on that awkward 8th grade anatomy class where everyone is laughing embarrassed instead of listening intently with fascination over what our incredible bodies are made of.

I feel deeply for the 13yo today. Back then, I too felt ugly, too skinny, not good enough, ashamed, the list goes on. It’s a tough time when you’re trying to get to know yourself and there’s so many shoulds and shouldn’ts, when you’re trying to connect, make friends, be cool and instead of landing in your essence trusting that the right ones will show up, you try to be what you think others might like better. You second guess yourself, you don’t trust your intuition. Of course, this was different for everyone. But today I see what the effect social media, an image of perfection and the total disconnection from our bodies can create.

Young people today have so much access to all kinds of content. A whole new kind of conditioning I believe previous generations were lucky enough to not have. I don’t have answers, but it pains me to see the same stories running generation after generation. Emotional and physical disconnection morphing into all kinds of disorders. And our bleed or lack of it being one of the 1st signs that something is off, but instead of being received with alarming bells, it’s received with relief and gratitude as it’s one less burden of being in this body.

I question what happens between the age of 3 and 13 that we go from feeling everything, just being, no questions asked, to totally mistrusting our intuition, morphing both our personality and our body trying to fit in. Where does the distortion begin? What age? What causes it? Why do we stop listening to our body and internal wisdom? How can i help changing this narrative?

So, it’s past midnight and I have the best housemate ever. She had just gone to bed, but she got up and took a bunch of pictures of my free-bleeding session. She isn’t as passionate about menstruation as I am, but she sees the beauty in this message and she was happy to do it. The right ones do show up when you show up in your essence. When you drop all masks and show up in every aspect of yourself, even the ones you find annoying. They’ll be happy to comply to the most ridiculous requests (*coughs awkwardly* just having asked for a midnight bleeding photo-shoot) and you’ll be happy to do the same for them. You’ll create crazy, weird memories and you’ll make connections that just click.

So my work continues. I’m here. This is important. I want to listen. I want to share this wisdom and our bleed is an important piece of the puzzle. I want to be, no questions asked.

Mariana Moura, 22, Lisboa, Portugal